For the first time in my life I do not consider myself a writer. I do not have an inner knowing this is God’s purpose for my life, nor do I have a plan or a desire to make this more of a full-time thing.
For the first time in my life I do not have a plan for my “career” or an inkling as to what I will move onto when my temporary job comes to an end.
I am equal parts afraid and relieved. I do not have clarity about God’s specific purpose for me or how that purpose will manifest itself. And I wonder if this is ok. Should I know by now, or is this all part of the learning on the journey? With the exception of the first six weeks, what happened in the past two years was unplanned. I have been to different places, met many different people and my life has changed.
I realised a few months ago the two years that I have taken part in the One Word Challenge, Jesus has chosen words (TRUST last year, GIVE this year) where He is asking me to surrender to Him: my will, my desires, my love, my anger, my sadness, my joy, my fears, my needs, my wants, my dreams, my weaknesses, my strengths, my loved ones, my enemies, my disappointments, my achievements, my failures, my successes, my gifts, my possessions, my finances, my thoughts, my dreams, my words, my actions, my heart, my soul, my mind, my body…my life. I have done this in doses, but never completely; not wholly (holy) as He is asking me to. Lord help me to do as You ask, like Mary I want to say, “I am the Lord’s servant”, each word uttered as a sweet and complete surrender to Him.
I’m currently reading The Purpose Driven Life (by Rick Warren) with my closest friend. We are on day 29 and so far I have been convicted, refreshed, educated and reminded. I learnt that I am not as honest with God as I thought I was. I consider myself to be an honest person and I like to know where I stand with people, but I wasn’t doing so much of that with Jesus. I was telling Him what I thought He wanted me to say and on occasion I would unveil my heart to Him and every incommunicable thought and feeling be it positive or negative. But I wasn’t doing this consistently and I’m glad He pointed it out. My conversations with God are becoming more honest, more familiar. I am still reverent, but like Abraham standing before the Lord I can have frank and familiar conversations with Him; this is a relationship after all.
In addition to the above the preparation for my forthcoming wedding, and thus marriage, has been a blessing and a challenge. Learning about a new role as a woman of God, in theory and in practice, has highlighted some character habits of mine that Jesus has been shining a subtle light on over the past few years. This past year I have felt the chiseling and seen chipped pieces of my unwanted habits fall away. My intended, Mr B, says it is the same for him.
I still find it amazing that Jesus cherry picked someone for me whose strengths are my areas for improvement and because of this Mr B has lovingly helped me in those areas, intentionally/unintentionally, and vice versa. His servant heart, his patience and grace-filled love are gems that I would not trade for the world. I acknowledge that our union is not intended to be understood by everyone; it is understood by us, by those who know us best and ultimately by Jesus Himself. Jesus does not do the ordinary, He does the extraordinary and I’m looking forward to a life of loving, serving and growing not just alongside Mr B but with him as my partner, my lover, my friend and the head of our household.
Several other things are currently vying for my attention (or distraction, whichever way I choose to look at it in that moment). This morning I sought solace in the Psalms. My intention was to read from the first psalm and continue until I was drawn to a place to stop. I didn’t get very far, as Psalm 5 verses 1-3 resonated with me and caused me to pause and reflect:
‘Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing.
Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.’
Even in my sighing, that wordless utterance that carries so much of what I want to say but I’m unable to, that confounds other humans or may even go unnoticed, is considered by Jesus the Lord of heaven and earth.
How thorough and exceptional is He; let us continue to give Him deserved praise.